I am not a dramatic person, I don't like drama. Overly dramatic people can get on my nerves. It must be because I am INFJ. Not sure. But that being said, a couple weeks ago I went to a Dee Brestin seminar at our church and had a marvelous time. She did this little drama which she thought was hokey and frankly so did I, that is until this evening. The little drama was about this woman who burned a hole in her silk shirt. She takes it to a friend and shows her and the friend gives her sympathy and comfort. Tells her that she isn't alone that we have all done something like that before and it was ok. Well when the womans husband come home she is still upset and tells him what has happened. He then puts on his glasses and reads the label on the shirt and proceeds to tell her how to use the iron properly. NOT HELPING!!!! She storms off and the husband wonders why! A typical man woman stand off. Tonight I have been having an emotional storm. I feel worthless as a mother, I feel like I am floundering and that I am defeated. My children will do nothing but bicker. The oldest one (the teenage wannabe) is a girl and her mouth gets going and she forgets that she is actually capable of closing it! The middle one is an instigator with his little brother. He tries to parent and push the little guy around, which backfires and causes fights. He is also on the lazy side. I feel like I have to walk him through everything in his life, like he can't do anything or figure anything out on his own. I know he is highly intellegent, for heavens sake, he skipped a grade in school! The youngest, well he could make me do a blog just on him. He is a piece of work. Some days he makes me want to retire from the mom business and go to some tropical paradise and sip pina coladas and forget about how hard motherhood is. Sometimes I wonder if they are really this crazy right now or maybe I am?? It is hard to know.
I tried to talk it through with my husband tonight. I may as well have been talking to a houseplant for as much as he helped me. I already feel defeated like I have done it all wrong. So as I am explaining how I am feeling and how the kids have been behaving, we had a burnt shirt moment. Right out of the skit. He looked at me over the top of his glasses and proceeded to tell me how to use the iron (meaning I must be doing something wrong). OUCH. So now not only do I feel like I am apparently doing something wrong if I can't keep my youngest from misbehaving, lying, ruining things, running crazy. Now my husband who is really just trying to fix what he feels is my problem is sending me the same message. I have screwed up. He was NOT helping. I couldn't get it through to him how I was feeling. I just felt lost. I shut him out. Not sure what else to do. I could see that he was trying to help, but I couldn't tell him how. Total loss. I just went to the bedroom and cried. I still feel that way. all upset and not sure what to do with it or who to talk to about it. So I am blogging and just hoping that getting it down in writing will make it feel better. I guess part of me might be glad that not many people read this because it is a lot of personal things.
Some days I just feel alone in it. Like I am the only parent and the only one that sees what is going on. I need a mother. Even at 37 I need a mom. I wish that I could have a spiritual mom that I could call and get some advice, even if that was a kick in the butt. Sometimes we all need that. Okay this is probably not getting me anywhere so I am going to bed.