Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Identity theft and recovery

Still processing so much from my trip to Minnesota and what all those things really mean to me.  For years I have been wondering who I was outside of wife and mother.  I allowed myself to be defined by circumstances and people.  I was only listening to the negative things in my life.  I would listen to the self beratement and the echoes of the past.  I never thought I lived in the past, but apparently I did.  I had allowed the evil one to steal my identity.  He is the ultimate in identity theft.  I lost so much of those years.  It has taken me 40 years to recover from the theft. 

For the first time I have been able to look up the people on facebook that used to bully me and instead of being angry I am thankful.  I am so thankful that God did not allow me to be part of that group of kids and live the lives that they are living.  I am thankful I am not a single mother with two or three kids, barhopping, hoping to find the next Mr. Right.  I am thankful that my identity is given to me by Christ and I am not searching because I have already found the answer.  I no longer am angry.  I pity them and the paths they took.  I used to want them to contact me and apologize.  Now I don't care.  I don't need their apologies.  The apologies just don't matter.  Those things are gone.  Left behind.  I truly do forgive them.  Not because they care about my forgiveness, not because they deserve my forgiveness but because I deserve to forgive them.  Protecting my heart is so much more important than harboring anger. 

I went to counseling today for the first time.  It was pretty incredible.  When I was speaking to her I was realizing the healing that the Lord has been giving.  I was noticing that I am recovering my identity.  The purpose in me going to counseling is to gain knowledge and tools to keep moving forward in the progress I have been making.  I don't want to go back to the things of the past.  I don't want to have my identity stolen again.  I don't want my comfort zone to be back to the size of a pea.  I want to move forward.  I also need to figure out how to see my mother face to face and deal with her in a healthy way.  According to the counselor, I am most of the way there.  God did it without help.  Like he ever needs help.  But my God is so big that I didn't have to go to years of counseling and therapies and medications to bring me healing.  He did it His way in His time.  It all started with an unexpected journey. 

I am noticing the small things.  I can receive compliments and truly believe them.  I am holding my head up a little higher and looking people more in the eye.  I am feeling more of a confidence then I had before.  I am thankful for who I am.  I am also looking forward to Christ making me a better me.  Since I have recovered my identity from the clutches of the enemy, I am learning who I am in Christ.  I am finding the gifts He has graciously given to me.  So who am I?  What gifts has Christ given me?  I am a friend, I love to listen to others and encourage them.  I love to rejoice in their victories and pray with them through the bad.  God has chosen to bless me as an encourager.  I can see positive things in everyone.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  If you are ever feeling down and need encouragement, please call me, I would love to tell you some really great things about you.  God has blessed me with other gifts as well.  I have gifts He has given me and He gave them to me so that He CAN use them.  I just had to get out of the way. 

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