The burnt shirt

I am not a dramatic person, I don't like drama. Overly dramatic people can get on my nerves. It must be because I am INFJ. Not sure. But that being said, a couple weeks ago I went to a Dee Brestin seminar at our church and had a marvelous time. She did this little drama which she thought was hokey and frankly so did I, that is until this evening. The little drama was about this woman who burned a hole in her silk shirt. She takes it to a friend and shows her and the friend gives her sympathy and comfort. Tells her that she isn't alone that we have all done something like that before and it was ok. Well when the womans husband come home she is still upset and tells him what has happened. He then puts on his glasses and reads the label on the shirt and proceeds to tell her how to use the iron properly. NOT HELPING!!!! She storms off and the husband wonders why! A typical man woman stand off. Tonight I have been having an emotional storm. I feel worthless as a mother, I feel like I am floundering and that I am defeated. My children will do nothing but bicker. The oldest one (the teenage wannabe) is a girl and her mouth gets going and she forgets that she is actually capable of closing it! The middle one is an instigator with his little brother. He tries to parent and push the little guy around, which backfires and causes fights. He is also on the lazy side. I feel like I have to walk him through everything in his life, like he can't do anything or figure anything out on his own. I know he is highly intellegent, for heavens sake, he skipped a grade in school! The youngest, well he could make me do a blog just on him. He is a piece of work. Some days he makes me want to retire from the mom business and go to some tropical paradise and sip pina coladas and forget about how hard motherhood is. Sometimes I wonder if they are really this crazy right now or maybe I am?? It is hard to know.

I tried to talk it through with my husband tonight. I may as well have been talking to a houseplant for as much as he helped me. I already feel defeated like I have done it all wrong. So as I am explaining how I am feeling and how the kids have been behaving, we had a burnt shirt moment. Right out of the skit. He looked at me over the top of his glasses and proceeded to tell me how to use the iron (meaning I must be doing something wrong). OUCH. So now not only do I feel like I am apparently doing something wrong if I can't keep my youngest from misbehaving, lying, ruining things, running crazy. Now my husband who is really just trying to fix what he feels is my problem is sending me the same message. I have screwed up. He was NOT helping. I couldn't get it through to him how I was feeling. I just felt lost. I shut him out. Not sure what else to do. I could see that he was trying to help, but I couldn't tell him how. Total loss. I just went to the bedroom and cried. I still feel that way. all upset and not sure what to do with it or who to talk to about it. So I am blogging and just hoping that getting it down in writing will make it feel better. I guess part of me might be glad that not many people read this because it is a lot of personal things.

Some days I just feel alone in it. Like I am the only parent and the only one that sees what is going on. I need a mother. Even at 37 I need a mom. I wish that I could have a spiritual mom that I could call and get some advice, even if that was a kick in the butt. Sometimes we all need that. Okay this is probably not getting me anywhere so I am going to bed.

Another day....

I decided that I really wanted to blog today and I am not sure why. No great thoughts have come into my head. There is nothing pressing on my heart other than it is another day. I guess that in and of itself is important. It IS another day. Another day to be thankful for what I have, another day to spend with the people I love. It is another day to breathe in fresh air and be glad there is no snow yet. It is another day to behold the beauty that the Lord has put around us.

I woke up this morning feeling a little grumbly and wanted coffee instead of my usual tea. But alas after months of not being used, I came to realize that my coffee maker had not been emptied of the coffee grounds. MOLD ewwwwwwwwwww. Another day to be thankful that there seems to be a Dunkin Donuts on every corner here in New England. I threw a sweater on over my pj's (I was wearing sweats) and drove to DD for a wonderful Pumpkin coffee. It is my favorite sweater. I have received many compliments on it. My sister has asked me if she could have it. I might will it to her if I die soon. My dear husband calls it my blanket with sleeves. The snuggies have nothing on this sweater. Coffee in hand I snuggle on the couch and listen to the sounds of James Taylor and Otis Redding on Pandora. A blessed hour of quiet as my daughter does homework on the computer and my sons are outside playing in the leaves. Another thing to be thankful for.

I know I have so much to thank God for. He has blessed me above all I could have imagined. Many people are suffering around the world, some of them are my friends. As I have lived my charmed little life I haven't seen into the lives of my friends (those that I haven't had current contact with.) Friends that have lost jobs. Friends have been ill, or they have lost loved ones. I have a friend that was arrested for child abuse. I have a friend that made a mess of her life with drugs and lost her children. Now she is finding her way back. All while I whine about something comparatively little. Brandon Heath's song, Give Me Your Eyes, has spoken to me. I don't think that I could handle having God's eyes. I think the pain of humanity would destroy me, but I would like it if God would help me to see people with his compassion and grace and mercy. Meanwhile I live my sweet little life and thank God even more for just another day..........

KIDS!!!

By all accounts I adore my children. They really are a blessing to me. But sometimes I wonder why that blessing can feel like a bane. Was life really easier before kids? I guess the answer to that one is yes it was easier. But was it really as rewarding? No way! I hear people talk about the best times of their lives was when they were single without children, college age living the high life. Is that really the best times of our lives? It isn't mine. I loved being in Florida with all my girls just about living at the beach and having a good time. It wasn't the best times of my life so far though. I would say that the best times are now, the ones that I am living today. A day at the beach with my bestest friend ever, doesn't compare to a fun day with the little ones wrapped in my arms watching a movie in our jammies. Even on days when I would like to sell them to the gypsies (like today) I wouldn't change my life.

Kids frustrate me, make me want to pull my hair out in huge clumps and throw it at them! It has been a day of dirty laundry crumpled up in the CLEAN drawers of laundry. Toys jammed where they shouldn't be because someone was too lazy to put them in the right spot even though the right spot was only two feet away from the hiding hole. Dirty socks from one son crumpled up in the drawer of the other son. It has been a day of sass and attitude thrown at me by a teenage wannabe GIRL (of course). And a day of tears from a preteen son who whines and complains about why he has to show me his work in Math. And doesn't understand how he gets it but he just gets the answer but can't figure out the steps to get there. It has been a day of arguing between the children and me having to get them squared away. Do I want a break? YES! Do I really want them to go away? Maybe for a couple of hours, but never to the gypsies. I would miss them too much. I would miss my messy house and my crazy kids. I am sure that I would even miss the arguing, complaining and everything else that goes along with being a mom.

Over the last two years I have had to take jobs outside of my home and I hated it. I hated being away from them. I hated not being there for them. I just LOVE being a stay at home mom and a homeschooling mom, even with all the frustrations that it brings at times. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I know I live a very charmed and wonderful life. I wouldn't want it any other way. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that. Especially on the days like today where there might be one or two bald spots. Honestly these really are the best days of my life and when they are gone I am sure going to miss them..........

listening

I have been feeling like no one is listening. Why is that? Why is it that I feel I must blog to get someone to hear me? I post a status change on facebook, no one notices. I talk to people and get interrupted all the time. I talk to my husband and he does something else at the same time. I reach out to have a conversation and get interrupted by others and other objects such as phones ringing and tv and even the computer. Am I that insignificant? Is anyone that insignificant? Do the things I say sound that stupid that no one wants to hear them? Why is it that I feel like I am the least important thing around here? I am not high maintenance. I just want to feel like someone actually is not going to be rude anymore and shut off the darn tv, close the stupid computer, or turn off the dang cell phone and look at me when I am talking to them and give me their undivided attention. It doesn't seem to be just my family and friends, but a wide rampant part of our culture. Listening has become a thing of the past. Now people pay to have someone listen to them. It is called a counselor. I am guilty of it too. I won't lay blame at everyone else. I do the same thing as well. I hate feeling this way though. Maybe this is God's way of helping me to become a better friend and a better listener.

We learned in Sunday school last week that God does not make us insignificant. I know that is true, but why then do we feel like we are? because that is the message that we send one another. We fill our lives with preoccupations of all kinds, sports, tv, cell phones, texting, facebooking......the list goes on and on. As these things fill the holes in our schedule, relationships and the feelings of others become less and less important to us. But I find it interesting that we aren't just robbing others, we are robbing ourselves of relationships. A great friendship is a treasure, a gem that you don't want to lose. But it takes both people to love one another and to LISTEN, to put those distractions away for a bit and to just look at them and make them feel important.

I just realized I do have a friend like that. What a blessing. My husband wonders why I love this friend. She is rough around the edges and can be brutally honest. But I love her all the same. She puts her distractions away and just listens. No matter what is going on in her life she puts it aside and listens. I get her full attention and she looks at me when we speak. She drops everything to be there for me when I need her. I do the same for her. I may not always agree with her and she with me, but we listen to each other. We share thoughts that men can't understand, we share feelings that we can't share with our husbands. I just don't get to spend enough time with her lately because she is now a working mom and I stay at home. I miss her all the time :( I just know that she is at a place in her life where she is doing what she has to do. Friends like that are hard to come by.

I think that now I am going to make the effort to be a better friend, to talk less and listen more and to put my distractions aside and look people in the eye and make them feel important. No one is insignificant. God tells us he loves us and we are more important then the birds in the air and the lillies in the field. He listens to us no matter what. I think that we should strive to be more like Christ. People were his focus, not on where he was going to go that day or what he was going to do, but to whom he was going to minister. We should be like Christ and focus on being there for each other, not on ourselves and how much we can get out of this life. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to be a blessing to others and make THEM feel significant!

Never thought.....

Never thought that I would take up blogging. It did seem like the next step for me to advance in the cyberworld. I figured what the heck, I can get out all these random things in my head that I want to tell people. In the written world you can get it all out without anything interrupting the thought process. It might be fun, it could be liberating or it could just be a big huge waste of my already limited time. Anyway I thought I would try it. If anyone cares to read or listen to me in my ramblings here, thank you.