Still processing so much from my trip to Minnesota and what all those things really mean to me. For years I have been wondering who I was outside of wife and mother. I allowed myself to be defined by circumstances and people. I was only listening to the negative things in my life. I would listen to the self beratement and the echoes of the past. I never thought I lived in the past, but apparently I did. I had allowed the evil one to steal my identity. He is the ultimate in identity theft. I lost so much of those years. It has taken me 40 years to recover from the theft.
For the first time I have been able to look up the people on facebook that used to bully me and instead of being angry I am thankful. I am so thankful that God did not allow me to be part of that group of kids and live the lives that they are living. I am thankful I am not a single mother with two or three kids, barhopping, hoping to find the next Mr. Right. I am thankful that my identity is given to me by Christ and I am not searching because I have already found the answer. I no longer am angry. I pity them and the paths they took. I used to want them to contact me and apologize. Now I don't care. I don't need their apologies. The apologies just don't matter. Those things are gone. Left behind. I truly do forgive them. Not because they care about my forgiveness, not because they deserve my forgiveness but because I deserve to forgive them. Protecting my heart is so much more important than harboring anger.
I went to counseling today for the first time. It was pretty incredible. When I was speaking to her I was realizing the healing that the Lord has been giving. I was noticing that I am recovering my identity. The purpose in me going to counseling is to gain knowledge and tools to keep moving forward in the progress I have been making. I don't want to go back to the things of the past. I don't want to have my identity stolen again. I don't want my comfort zone to be back to the size of a pea. I want to move forward. I also need to figure out how to see my mother face to face and deal with her in a healthy way. According to the counselor, I am most of the way there. God did it without help. Like he ever needs help. But my God is so big that I didn't have to go to years of counseling and therapies and medications to bring me healing. He did it His way in His time. It all started with an unexpected journey.
I am noticing the small things. I can receive compliments and truly believe them. I am holding my head up a little higher and looking people more in the eye. I am feeling more of a confidence then I had before. I am thankful for who I am. I am also looking forward to Christ making me a better me. Since I have recovered my identity from the clutches of the enemy, I am learning who I am in Christ. I am finding the gifts He has graciously given to me. So who am I? What gifts has Christ given me? I am a friend, I love to listen to others and encourage them. I love to rejoice in their victories and pray with them through the bad. God has chosen to bless me as an encourager. I can see positive things in everyone. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you are ever feeling down and need encouragement, please call me, I would love to tell you some really great things about you. God has blessed me with other gifts as well. I have gifts He has given me and He gave them to me so that He CAN use them. I just had to get out of the way.